Martha Stewart’s business is all over the National Enquirer this week. The story is called “Martha Collapses” but inside, you find that the whole story is based on a “tell-all” book written Mariana Pasternak, who was allegedly one of Martha’s closest friends. Apparently, according to Pasternak, Martha went on lesbian “dates” and she was attacked in prison. Oh, and Martha drinks a lot. And she has a temper. Pasternak used to be Martha’s friend, but the Enquirer claims that Pasternak was one of the people to testify against Martha in her 2004 insider-trading trial, and that they haven’t been friends ever since. Which begs the question… if they haven’t been friends since Martha’s trial, how would Pasternak know anything about Martha’s “prison attacks” or any dates Martha has been since getting out of the pokey?

Martha Stewart had a meltdown after finding out that her darkest, deepest secrets will be exposed in a tell-all book written by her former best friend!

The explosive memoir by Mariana Pasternak will reveal intimate details of 68-year-old Martha’s private life, including her lesbian “dates,” the attacks she faced in prison, and her boozy temper tantrums, sources tell The ENQUIRER.

And the domestic diva is worried sick that Mariana will reveal she cheated on her ex-fiance Charles Simonyi, according to insiders familiar with Mariana’s book, The Best of Friends: Martha and Me due out in March.

“Martha has good reason to be panicked about the book. Mariana knows everything!” a former colleague of Martha’s who was also close to Mariana told The ENQUIRER.

“Martha has called Mariana in tears, screaming at her, ‘Why would you do this to me?’ She still doesn’t know exactly what Mariana has written, but Mariana knows Martha’s most intimate secrets, and the book is sure to spill them.

“Martha is under extreme pressure from worrying about which secrets the book will reveal. She collapsed in tears in her bed wondering how badly her reputation will be affected.”

Martha and Mariana, 56, were close for more than 20 years. They chatted on the phone nearly every day, lived around the corner from each other in swanky Westport, Conn., and took vacations together.

But in 2004, Mariana testified against Martha during her stock trade trial, and her statements helped prosecutors win a conviction. Martha eventually served time in a federal prison, and she never forgave her former best friend, insiders say.

“Martha considered Mariana a turncoat, someone who said whatever the prosecutors wanted,” the pal divulged. “Now Martha feels Mariana has betrayed her a second time by writing this book.”

[From The National Enquirer]

Meh. I bet Martha has never collapsed, ever, in her life. I bet when she feels tired she makes herself a cup of tea and does some light welding. I don’t understand why people still want to bring Martha down. She’s a goddess! Sort of. I mean, I get that she’s not the warmest person, but she actually comes across as cute sometimes. Like on a recent show, when Snoop Dogg stopped by to make “green” brownies. Martha is so cute with Snoop! They’re both such good sports, it kind of slays me:

Martha Stewart in New York on December 14, 2009. Credit: WENN. Also, the Enquirer cover courtesy of the National Enquirer online.